Hearing your child being disrespectful can be one of the most triggering things to deal with in parenting. In this blog post we take you through how to respond effectively and most crucially help them to find better way to communicate their frustrations.

Dealing with back talk, sass and controlling language is one of parentings greatest triggers

Get Curious how You Respond to Back Talk

If you notice you are responding to your child with phrases like

“How *dare* you talk back to me young lady” “Who do you think you ARE?”

Get curious, whose voice is that? Is it your mother’s/ father’s a teachers?

What feelings are you experiencing: Shock/ Anger/ fear

If it's fear what lies under that fear- a need for control and order?

Your Unmet Needs

Back talk and sass can be triggering for our needs for respect and appreciation (amongst others).

Respect- this one is a tricky one as in more old school parenting respect was often something that children were scared into. “Respect your parents/ teachers because if you don’t there will be a punishment”. Problem is that emotionally intelligent empowered children are not going to be scared into respect so respect has to be earned through benevolent leadership and connection

Appreciation- this is a chronically unmet need for parents. “Can’t you see all I do for you? How dare you question me”. The issue here is that children are rarely going to meet our need for appreciation. Not because they are ungrateful or spoilt just because developmentally they are unable to see things from an expansive perspective yet.

Notice Your Triggered Inner Child

Your inner child can feel extremely wounded by your child back talking and speaking in a sassy way especially if you were not allowed to speak like this as a child/ if you would have been punished for asserting yourself.

Notice your Beliefs on Children

Adultism- prejudice against children, runs deep in our conditioning. Even if we don’t believe the cultural belief that “a quiet child is a good child” we may have internalised this conditioning.

Notice your Fears on Creating Spoilt, Entitled Kids

Back talk can raise the “spoilt/ entitled kid alarm”. When parents are believing that their kids are spoilt or entitled they can get very reactive because the back talk can feel like a violation of their values.

Get clear eyed on this, journal on these questions

Is your child genuinely spoilt/ entitled or is this a fear?
Are you wishing that your child is more grateful/ thankful/ appreciative? Is this a realistic wish? Can you put in structures into your week to encourage these things? Such as family meeting where you begin with a gratitude practice or do some simple gratitude journaling before bed. Gratitude is a skill its not something all children just innately have.

Get Clarity

Is your child being rude on purpose with intent to try and feel powerful?

Or has their rude language become an impulsive reaction to feeling frustrated?

Either way they still need support

Teach your child about Violet language and Non Violent language using the idea of boundary bubbles

Draw some pictures of people inside bubbles. Discuss language that is aimed as an attack vs language that expresses feelings. Make this age appropriate to your child.

Give Your Child **Alternatives to saying shut up/ F*ck off**

“I’m frustrated”

“I am feeling angry”

“I don’t feel this is fair”

“I don’t like that”

“I’m not happy with this”

“Im not enjoying that"

“I don’t agree”

It’s going to be really challenging for your child to use alternatives so you can model these. “I’m not willing to be spoken to like that. Are you really meaning to say you don’t agree with us and thats made you feel frustrated”

Teach your child the Difference between Assertiveness And Rudeness

Assertiveness uses “I” statements. Things like

“I’m not comfortable with…” (to which you can respond with “I see. So what would you be comfortable with?”)
“I’m not willing to..” (to which you can respond with “I see however we still need to do x so how can we help you to achieve this?”)

Rudeness involves statements about other people involving the word “you”. When your child says a rude statement you can try responding with:

“Huh ok so what were/are you needing? Can you phrase it in a way that starts with the words “I was/am needing…?” Remembering that this is skill building, your child might not realise they are being rude and they need your help to find better ways to communicate.

If this is raising alarm bells that makes sense but in truth, if your child can’t be assertive at home where can they be assertive? Ultimately the aim is to raise empowered, assertive children. Yes that's going to be less convenient than raising passive, obedient children but passive, obedient adults do not thrive.

Responding to Back Talk in an Empowered Way Without Shutting Down the Assertiveness

"You've got fire in your belly today I can see that. I’m wondering if you could rephrase that fire in a way that might be more respectful?”
"You are impressively holding your ground today"
"I'm hearing some big leadership energy today. How could you keep that big leadership energy but also bring in some kindness?
"I'm hearing your passion for fairness. I’m curious, why do you think this is unfair "
"I'm feeling your fierce determination here"
"You've got some fierce tiger vibes today. I’m wondering whether we can bring in a bit of owl energy too. Owl energy is also determined but it’s more calm and aware. "
"You know really strongly what you like, I am hearing that"

To stop back talk you have to understand it and get to the roots of the behaviour

The Root of a Child Insulting You

Here are some potential reasons why children might insult their parents/ siblings

To meet needs for -Power/ connection/ attention
Just a phase they are playing about with to see what happens
Because they are peer attached. Kids who are peer attached tend to think everything adults do is stupid
Because the child doesn’t feel connected to the parent so the insult is a misguided attempt to get strong feelings from the parent. Children want the energy from their parent and are not sophisticated enough to discern whether that energy is positive or negative. (note- some children have very high attachment/ connection needs)
Individuation as a child matures they might be insulting to individuate further from the parents during the tween/ teen years. Key thing here is that individuation is important but also family togetherness is equally as importance during this time so the child dances between independence and return to the family.
Lacking in the skills/ emotional awareness to realise they are insulting which might be entirely age appropriate/ Neurodiversity appropriate depending on how old they are/ stage of development

How to respond if a child is being insulting to you

“Oof im hearing some fierceness in those words. I’m not willing to be spoken to like that. I’m wondering what you are needing right now?”
Continue with whatever you are doing and return to the incident later when the child is calm.“I notice you told me I was an idiot earlier. I’m not willing to be spoken to like that. I'm wondering what was going on for you?”
“ I see you are upset and have started to use insults. I’m not willing to be spoken to like that do you think you could try asking that again?”
“I am not enjoying the way you are talking to me can we slow things down and do a redo on this conversation”

Teaching Replacement Behaviours

Our kids are allowed to have opinions but teaching them about how to express their opinions in a way that doesn’t feel violating to other peoples boundaries is a skill of emotional maturity they may need your guidance with.

In order to stay centred and grounded its useful to just picture their undeveloped brain. The human brain is not fully developed until age 25 so they are going to need guidance on how to respect other people’s feelings and boundaries. Trust that you can also

Child: Your dress looks skanky

Rephrasing:“I wonder if we could phrase that in a way that’s not going to pop my boundary? It could be something like “That’s not my favourite dress of yours, I prefer your blue one”

Child: You sound so stupid when you talk to people on the phone

Encouraging question asking: “Huh, ok you think I sound different when i speak to people on the phone. Perhaps you could ask me a question about it like “Dad, why do you sound different when you speak to people on the phone?”

Child: I hate your birthmark it’s gross

Can I change it in 60 seconds? If i can't then don’t ask me to change it

“Huh i see you don’t like my birthmark. My birthmark is part of me. If someone can’t change something in 60 seconds or less then really we shouldn't comment on it because it’s part of them. I accept my birthmark it’s part of me. Are you curious as to why I have a birthmark?”

How to respond to Controlling/ Commanding Language

Often when a child is using controlling/ commanding language its a sign they are seeking to feel more powerful so if we shut down the power completely we are only pushing the problem further down the line.

Child: I command you…

Suggested Response using finding the jewel: I see you are feeling very determined. Are you trying to get some support? How could you ask differently?

Child: I demand that you…

Suggested Response using finding the jewel: I can really hear your frustration. I’m not willing to be spoken to like that. Would you like to redo that?

Child:If you don’t do X I will do x

Suggested Response using finding the jewel: I can really hear the power in your voice you are sounding fierce today. I hear that want this to change. Tell me what you are frustrated about?

Child: I’m ordering you

Suggested Response using finding the jewel: You are feeling very bold today is that right?

Child: Do this now

Suggested Response using finding the jewel:I’m wondering if you meant to say “Please can you help me with x”

How to Deal with Rudeness, Back Talk, Sass and Controlling Language from your Kids